Feeling alone,

SHE feels like she is losing you and she has not felt this hurt in a very long time. Why is she hurting this much for something that is not official yet? Maybe she is falling in love with you and she has not realized it yet. You two have been seeing each other for half a year and now there is a riff between you two and it may all come crumbling down. She is afraid that it will. She feels very strongly about you and she thinks this time it may be different. You have this power to make her smile within a second flat and then it is nearly impossible to remove. You are so sweet to her and she adores you for that. She wants to treat you like a king and wants you to feel like no one has even made you feel before. She wants to fall in love with you and hold you tightly in her arms and kiss your cheeks. She wants to be there for you. She wants to be your girl. However, there is one thing stopping her from making this a reality; the distance. She has heard this reason before but she refuses to let you go like the other one. You two fought for the first time this past weekend and she has a fear of losing you because of that. Even though she was not the cause of the argument, she is still afraid because people always leave. You two are not on speaking terms until final exams are over because you cannot deal with this while you are in your study bubble.

I can see it in her eyes; how alone she feels right now. She has lost touch with her friends due to the distance and the last thing she wants to lose is you. She feels as if she cannot talk to anyone. She is ashamed. Ashamed because this always tends to happen to her; she loses the things she cherishes most. She feels afraid. Afraid for that nightmare to become a reality. She feels stupid. Stupid for letting herself get close to someone again after all that she has been through. She feels like letting go. Letting go because staying in this city has brought nothing but anguish for her. She feels like giving up. Giving up because she desperately wants to return home and gain her old life back.

When has everything become so damn complicated?

xx

Skinny love,

Come on skinny love, just last the year
Pour a little salt, we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer
I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right at the moment this order's tall
And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And in the morning, I'll be with you
But it will be a different kind
'Cause I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines
Come on skinny love, what happened here?
Suckle on the hope in light brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full, so slow on the split
And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And now all your love is wasted
Then who the hell was I?
'Cause now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines
Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?
Come on skinny love
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my


Skinny Love
- Birdy

Conquer,

So smile and take the world for what it is. Grab the world by its horns and decide your path. Do not let other decide for you when you know deep in your heart what is right. Do not let others walk all over you; you are better than that. Stand up for yourself. And most of all: love with all of your heart. You may have gotten hurt, but opening your heart to the right person might change it all. Life is beautiful and so are you. So go out there and conquer it all.

xx

It’s you,

xx

Art,

"Surely all art is the result of one's having been in danger, of having gone through an experience all the way to the end, where no one can go any further.” - R.M.R.

xx

Afraid II,

So, I’ll continue this relationship of the unknown, only to prevent from seeing you walk by me as if we never met.

xx

Thank you,

On a different note, I would like to thank Mia, for telling me that I have inspired her with my blog. She gave out best blog awards to the top 10 blogs who have inspired her, and I made the list! When I first read her message, my jaw dropped and I could not believe it. I have never been told that I have inspired them, and in a way, Mia has inspired me, too. So thank you. And please, check out her beautiful blog, she is a lovely little lady.

http://naturezfinest.blogspot.com/

xx

Missing,

YOU ARE my best friend; my sister. I think of you as my blood, a part of my family that has been lost but recently found. We have spent so many good days together, and not too many bad ones. You know that you can always count on me when you need something, or simply wanted to get something off of your chest. I come to you in your hour of need. I always comfort you when you are down, or stressed because of crazy issues going on. I had to put up with crazy demands and requests from you—but I did them all with pleasure because I would do anything for you. I would stop the moon from shinning to make you realize how important you are to me. When I see you, I smile. And even though we may spend months at a time without seeing each other, every time we are reunited it feels as if I have never been gone—we simply continue from where we left off. It has been over a year that I have moved to a different city; a different province. I am only 2 hours away, but sometimes I feel like that interferes with our friendship. Things happen that you are not aware of, mainly for my fear of opening up. You have acknowledged that, but I do not feel that you care entirely. When I need help, I am unsure whether or not to contact you. I know you will be too busy, or simply not respond to my text messages. I just wish you could open your eyes and see how alone I am here. I need you. I need my best friend. 

Just remember, S, that you may feel alone, but you are surrounded by the people you love and whom love you back. That includes me. But the list is missing you on the other end.

xx

The end,

xx

Afraid,

I AM afraid. I will admit it. I am afraid of the fact that you can get up and walk away any moment you feel that this is more difficult than it should be. I am starting to get used to you in my life, and used to your many texts throughout the day. We have been friends for over a year, and now it has become something more. I am not asking you to be my boyfriend, because I am not ready for that. We have never spoken about what our relationship really is, and where you want it to lead. I will never bring that up mainly for the fact that I refuse to let you think of me as a pushy and clingy girl that I am not. But one thing that I will admit, is that I am afraid of you. I am afraid of us becoming more and having a chance of losing you. I am so used to seeing people walk away and I do not want you to be one of them. So, I will continue this relationship of the unknown, just to prevent from seeing you walk away.

xx

Always,

THIS was drawn by Peyton Sawyer (Hilarie Burton) on the T.V show "One Tree Hill." I first saw this years ago and I loved it, it meant more than a simple picture. But now, seeing it again after so many years, and so many experiences, it means even more. I relate more to Payton now, because I have felt what she felt. And I truly believe what is written on this photo. It speaks to me like never before. It shines a ray of light on me, it tells me something that no one has ever told me. It tells me that no matter what happens, regardless how long you have been fighting for, or how tight you have been gripping on, it is much easier to simply let go than to continue on fighting. 

When I think about the past 7 years, so much has happened. I have lost so many people in my life, they simply walk out and never to be seen again. It keeps happening to this day. Many of those people come back into my life and tell me how sweet I am, how much they regret what happened and that they want me back into their life. But, why must someone appreciate the other once they go missing? Why must someone realize what they have until they lose it? It’s funny how that works… 

xx

Forever,

xx

Take a look,

xx

People always leave,

SOMETIMES,  it gets so bad that I can hardly concentrate. I can hardly keep my mind focused on something for a certain amount of time, and lately, I lack the basic motivation to do what I love the most—to write. I never write. I never read. I barely have any friends in this city either. I have been here for almost a year and I do not try to make any new relationships. I actually push people away and force them to stop calling me. Why? Because I am not in the mood. I do not feel like going through that separation I always go through. I am tired of getting close to someone and then seeing them walk away slowly. I am tired of not having enough energy to walk after them. No matter how quickly I run after them, they still manage to walk quicker than I am running. The faster I run, the quicker they are getting away. So, I stay behind, and I let them walk right out of my life, with only their shadows in view.

I am tired of giving my all to someone and see them leave with it. I try hard to make people happy, and to give them what they need. I try hard to be there for people in their times of need. I go out of my way for them, and they all know that. However, when my time arrives when I need someone, where have they gone?

People enter your life just as quickly as they part from it. It’s inevitable. People do not notice what they leave behind, and the mess they have created—leaving that person behind to pick up the pieces and attempt to walk away.

I have become so accustomed to seeing people’s backs, that I have grown a completely different perspective on people. I no longer see the need to try and repair the friendship, or to fight for the other person—because eventually, that person will slowly turn around and walk away from my life for good. This constant need to try to fix everything and everyone has gone quite too far. I always put myself in the position of the helper, but I lack a helper for my needs. The few times I cried for help, I cried into wall. No one heard me. No one saw me. No one knew. No one tried to know either, and they just kept walking away as I stayed behind. The energy I waste by crying for help can easily be transferred to the process of repairing my own wounds.

I no longer fight. I no longer chase down the people I want in my life, nor the people I miss being in my life. I no longer expect things from people.

Do what you do best, and walk away. But darling, this time, you will see my back before I see yours.

Hold on,

AMORE, can you hold onto one side, and I the other side? Can you not lose strength and hold on with me, I feel like we have the power to hold together what we have. Please do not forget our memories and our passionate times together. For, I will be back soon, and for you, amore, I will come back more often. Please do not follow the footsteps of the other guys. I know that letting go is easier than fighting, but fighting with me will not really feel like fighting at all. I am afraid to lose you, to lose our friendship more than anything. Please do not let go on the other side.

xx

Afraid of love

SHE is the girl you find absolutely beautiful, but are afraid to approach. She is afraid of love, and you are afraid of rejection.

xx

Thoughts,

CAN you please have yourself removed from my thoughts? You are starting to corrupt my everyday-normal habits and it is starting to annoy me to be frank. I cannot listen to a sad song without your face, and actions coming into my mind. I cannot do the things we have done together because you appear in my sight. You threw me out like yesterday’s trash, why can I not do the same to you? I keep running back to you when I need someone to talk to. I must keep that wall up. I called you in my greatest hour of need, and you told me to hurry my story because it was 1am and you were sleeping. I have not spoken to you since then, and I intend to keep it that way. Do not expect a phone call, or text or instant message from me. You no longer have the right to hear news from me, you have hurt me enough. To hell with your promises—to hell with you.

He’s that one person,

xx

Our photos,

WHEN I look at photos taken of us during the moments of our happiest, I cannot help my mind wander back to those days. When I see those photos, I cannot help the need to run into your arms and cry for you. When I see those photos, I cannot help myself from getting sad and missing you. When I see those photos, I cannot help my thoughts from wishing to go back in time. When I see those photos, I wish I could rip them up and throw them into the fire place. When I see those photos, I sigh with sadness, knowing that I will never delete them off of my desktop.

The whole sky,

xx

The unbelievable feeling,

I am here, and you are there. There is roughly 200km separating us, and now, we have become separated. It has all shattered right beneath my eyes, and right in front of yours—you brought it to this outcome, this is nothing but your fault. It is quite easy to blame you when you are the cause for this pain, have you not told me that you would never, ever hurt me, or break my heart? I guess you went back on your word.

We slowly stopped talking, and I was slowly convincing myself that you did not deserve me, and that I could get so much better. That I deserve to have a man that would do anything for me, and one who would always want to talk to me and see how I was doing—that man was not you. We spoke, after 2 weeks of not speaking, of course unless you count a phone call of 30 seconds. I had texted you to call me once you gain a few free minutes because I had spoken to my father and he really got me upset, I wanted to talk to you to feel better. You did call me back, I congratulate you on that. However, it lasted 30 seconds and you told me you were so busy at work that you apologize that it took so long to call and that you will call me later. You did not ask how I was doing, you did not ask why I was upset. You did not even acknowledge the fact that we have not spoken in a week, you spoke about yourself and hung up quickly. Of course, you did not call me back, I have not heard your voice since then, it has been two weeks now. Regardless of the coward you are, we spoke a week after that phone call—one week ago. We spoke on a stupid insignificant social website, you had no courage to call me. You asked how I was doing, how my grades were. You then asked me if I had a new man… As if I had a new man, I still thought you were my man. I was aware of our longing distance but I still kept you close to my heart in hopes for the moment when I return home and you were there waiting for me. I re asked your question and you replied with “meh”. It astonishes me the lack of courage you have. You then said you did see a girl, but not a girlfriend. I was trying to write my final paper during this moment and I could no longer concentrate, I had tears falling down my face which made me hold in my nerve to go outside and smoke my whole pack of cigarettes.  I could not believe what I was hearing. I called you a coward, and mentioned that what you were doing was unbelievable. You had promised me that if you were to ever meet a girl, you would tell me but “don’t worry sweetie, it won’t happen”. I believed you and I was never waiting for that moment, I was giving you the benefit of the doubt.

But, while we were not talking for weeks, you were out there with another girl. I did not call you because I thought you were always working and I wanted to give you time to breathe—you mentioned you were working 10–12 hour days. But, silly little me, you were with another girl while I was in a brand new city completely alone and feeling like I could not speak to anyone.

Sometimes I miss you so much and I look at our old photos and think to myself "what could I have done differently?” I need to remind myself of what a coward you are and how ungrateful you were with me. You mentioned to me that I am an amazing, very smart woman and the man I choose to be with is an extremely lucky man. (Why can’t that man be you? Oh S, I long for you)

But I will always remember you and pair you with that unbelievable feeling I had. That feeling of betrayal and hurt. I honestly thought you were different, but yet again, I was wrong. I try so hard to remember only the bad moments with you but I cannot. I remember that night I had a massive headache and you held me so close to you and simply rubbed my head and back. I remember the first night I slept in your bed and how close you held me, I was listening to your heart beating. I remember the night when you felt sick after ordering your so called “best fast food place”. I remember the last moment I spent with you. I was leaving to go back to my new city and I was holding onto you so tightly as if I were afraid to let go, you told me that I was in love with you, and I simply shrugged it off. But I thought to myself, “could he be right?” I was putting on my winter jacket and my boots and you stood at the door, you gave me a huge hug which filled me with love for the whole 2 hour ride. I remember reaching the bottom of the stairs and looking up behind me to see your lovely face once more—and then I was gone.

And now, you are gone.

No regrets,

Walk away,

I do not understand what happened. We got so close, so fast and it was amazing. You told me how amazing it felt to be with me and that you would never let me go. You also said that you would never disappear and that you will always be there with, or for me. I was starting to fall for you, and I thought  you were too. My friends said we looked in love and happy, and they were right, I was always happy when I was around you. You were nice and caring to me, and held me tight when I had a headache. I always knew that I could count on you, I never thought badly of you and I could not wait until the next time I would come and see you.

But it soon all changed, and it changed quite quickly. We stopped skyping, and barely spoke to each other on Facebook. You rarely texted me, and called me about every two days. That was fine, I had school work and you were buried with work from your demanding job. I never asked to speak to you everyday, we live two hours apart; it’s bound to happen. I understand that the distance gets quite difficult at times, and maybe sometimes we need time apart from out computer screens, or mobile phones but I always knew that you were there. But I realized a change before it all happened. We stopped talking as much and I asked why and you simply stated, “why? Because I don’t pay attention to you anymore?” Just as cold as it sounds. I was not sure what to say, I did not want to seem like a crazy fool. The problem was not that you were not paying attention to me, the problem was that when we did speak–every two days, you were cold with me. That was the problem. But, I let that go.

Until that two-day gap turned into a week. I called you a few times during that week, and it rang for a minute and brought me to your voicemail. I texted you once, and when I messaged you on Facebook, you went offline. A week later you call me. “Hi stranger,” you said nonchalantly. I acted as cool as ice, never breaking it. I never once acted as if I were hurt, or angry with you. I made it seem as if I did not care; just like you did, I told you about the good grades I have been getting lately and you replied with, “I guess I should stop talking to you more often.” Which irritated the fuck out of me—as if it is because that you have not been speaking to me that my grades are high; foda-se. The only question that I asked you was why you have been avoiding me. You told me that you were not avoiding me, that your cell phone was dead, “again” since you left your plug at work, “again” (as if the only way to get into contact with me was through a cell phone). I let that one go, there is no point in fighting about something that I have lost. I lost you. You ended the conversation because you wanted to go eat and that you will speak to me later. “I’ll speak to you next week then,” I said. So far, that timing is correct. It has been 4 days.

I do still have feelings for you, and I still want to be with you. But, I do not want to be with you. After everything that I have told you, and after everything you have told me… You are disappearing on me, even though you told me you would never. You are letting me go, even though you told me you would never. You are losing touch with me, even though you said you would never. You are not there for me anymore, even though you said you would always. You do not care for me anymore, even though you said you would always.

I told you I will always care for you, but I will force myself to stop. I thought you would be there for me during this difficult journey in my life; but I will let go and walk alone.

Alone,

I have always wanted you to myself, since the day I met you. It started two years ago, and now things have taken an awful direct turn. For the better? For the worse? I am not entirely sure what exactly I should be feeling about this.

You came to visit me, and I thought to myself that this is the day everything will turn on my behalf. We were “just friends” and we were acting according to these guidelines as well. You told me that we would never work and you kept your distance as if you were afraid I would lean in for a kiss. But it never happened. You should know me by now that I would never initiate the first move, have you not learnt anything these past two years?

The next few days I felt proud, I thought to myself, “I am finally over him. Now that I know for sure that we will not be together, I can start doing things that I know 1. he will not approve of and 2. live my life without him in the picture.” (Although this has some false to it, I tattooed my arm a line from Hugo’s novel, full knowingly that his family would not approve.) I started looking at other men and not having a guilt in the back of my mind, and thinking of my future without you in it.

However, it all changed. Once I got you out of my mind, you came crawling back in. It is as if you are fully aware that the thought of you no longer haunts my sleep and I no longer long for your kisses. You texted me at 1am, a simple “are you awake?” and I responded right away. It is as if I cannot let an unanswered text go by, I need to respond right away. You asked me if I missed you, and while I took a deep breathe and thought about what my answer might lead to, I decided to be honest, and replied a simple “I do”. We started talking about it, about how I feel and how you feel and you broke down your wall for me. You told me that you have never gotten me out of your mind since we broke up, and how you always thought about telling me how you feel. You wanted me back, plain and simple no candy coding anything.

I did not say no, I did not refuse. I am still not sure about it all. It has been about four days since you told me that and we barely spoke since then. But, is it true how the old saying goes, “a person never changes”? I am afraid to give you my all and to ultimately repeat our past. My feelings for you will never die and wither away, they will forever hold a place in my heart. However, I am not sure if we can have a normal relationship without the factors that lead us here. The countless times you have mentioned that I never appreciated you and took you for granted, and the countless times I thought to myself that you were an asshole who did not open up his eyes to life. Could we possibly make it work? Would we possibly make it work again despite our issues? I am still not sure.

Lately, I have been feeling more alone than ever. Being in a city with no friends, and having no one to talk to, I guess it really takes a tole on someone. Maybe I am running to you for the simple fact that I am alone and need some sort of affection. How can we be together if you are there and I am here? What if I must stay here for two more years, that makes two years of separation.

If only things could be easy, if only we have tried to properly make it work when I was still living at home. I miss you, I do. I miss your touch and I miss your laughter and I miss your accent. I miss the way you say “what’s happening’ when no one is talking, and I also miss your random little giggles.

What is one to do? I miss you, and you miss me. Why must things be so complicated?

Never let go,

I want to hold onto you and never let go.

xx

Beating heart

I thought you were out of my mind, I thought I was free from you for good. But yesterday proved me wrong. You texted me yesterday morning saying you were in town. Last time we actually spoke and had a normal conversation was right after new years. Last time I saw you was in July; and the last time we were together was two years ago. Two years ago to be exact; you ended it in March, a few weeks after my birthday. You texted me saying you were in town due to governmental documents that needed to be signed for you to apply for University in Europe, and the middle east. I remember the moment when I saw you again. I was leaving class and you were texting me to hurry up, you were outside in the parking lot waiting for me. When I was outside walking to my car I saw you there, walking slowly towards me but simply staring in my direction. I was bitting my tongue to remove the silly grin on my face; I was so nervous that I thought I was going to lose my balance. I tried to keep my cool, I was looking at the ground, opening my cell phone, closing it and re opening it; anything but stare at you right back. When we were getting closer, I had no choice but to smile, I could no longer control it—you smiled right back at me. I said hi and kissed your cheek, and you asked what my silly grin was about. I was nervous; and you were able to detect it. I cannot even explain how I was acting, I kept moving around; I could not stay put. I had missed you so much, I did not realize until that exact moment that I still want to be with you and I will still destroy the sun for you.

I let you call me babe, and I let us be normal and not bring up the questions that I had in my mind for such a long time. I just wanted to enjoy this time with you. It was different though, this was the first time we were acting as friends and nothing more. You publicly called me your ex at the restaurant and I smiled without you knowing what I was thinking. You told me that I am your only ex-girlfriend that you still keep in contact with and you liked that. I stared at you through out the whole conversation, I never broke the eye contact and then you asked “why are you looking at me like that?” 

We spoke for an hour, it was nice. It felt so different between us, like we were two actual human beings with no past. You have no idea how badly I wanted to move your jacket, sit beside you and simply caress your cheek which had the beard I have always loved. I know that if I did that—you would kiss me. I think I may regret that moment.

When we left the restaurant, you had to drive me back to my car, which was still at my school. We spoke about all sorts of things. You mentioned that you wanted to get married sooner rather than later. You told me about this woman that was absolutely crazy about you. That she would make a perfect wife, because she herself is perfect; she is everything you could ever ask for in a woman. She has the same values as you, and also thinks the same way as you. However, you do not see yourself being with her, you do not see yourself making love to her or waking up beside her every morning. You also mentioned that you two lacked a spark, that you two do not have a spark like us. You also said that, “I know that if I tried to make it work—it just would not work. And I know that if I tried to make it work between us; it would work.” My heart skipped a beat. I should not be feeling this about you, I should not even be in the same car as you for what you have done. But, who cares? We only live once and I am able to forgive and forget for us to be together and be happy together. Waking up every morning next to you would be the biggest pleasure I can ever gain. Making love to you every night would be the climax of my days. I would love to be that woman that you turn to for affection, and I would gladly give it to you. You have been the only man I have been with that I thought I could marry, that this could be it. I sometimes still think that way today.

However, it all fell apart when I asked, “why not?” Your response was short and quick: “we already tried to make it work and it did not work.” It is called chances, however it would be me giving you a chance. Little do you know that if you simply proved to me you care for me and will not hurt me, and pull out some efforts that I will evidently come running back to you.

Sometimes I miss you so much that I pick up my phone, find your name but I cannot go through with telling you how I feel. I want to tell you how happy I can make you and how happy you can make me. I feel that you know this but you are holding yourself back. It is as if you are afraid of our relationship blowing up in our faces, but also afraid to make efforts for nothing. I know you have been hurt in the past; so have I. But we have the magic to heal each others hearts. I feel that in a way, this visit you made to come and see me was not only to see how I was doing; but also to see if there was anything left between us. And I know that you were proven wrong. While we were sitting waiting for our food and you were talking, I was silently sitting and staring at you. You felt the power I had, I saw it in your eyes. You mentioned it a few times asking me what was up, and what I was thinking about at that exact moment. Before parting ways, I asked to hug you. I said that I did not want you to feel stressed because of the current situation you were in and said I wanted to hug you. To tell you the truth, I cannot remember. It was so quick, as if we were afraid that if it would last any longer we would soon fall into the spell. When I pulled back I made sure to pull completely back into the car seat and said goodbye; instead of being a little too close and easy for us to kiss each other. I wish you kissed me… I long for your lips, I long for your touch.

Sweet-heart… You still make my heart skip beats.

Drizzle and hurricane;

Why not?

WE have been “friends” for a few years, but only have started talking this past September. I always wanted to talk to you, to get to know you but I was way too shy. A man with your looks, how can you possibly be interested in me? But one day, I saw one of your new photos on Facebook and decided to “like” it, why? Only because you had an extremely nice beard, which is what I find sexiest on a man. That same day, you started talking to me. I guess you can say we hit it off right away. I learnt you like to write (like me), and that you like to read (also like me). You are adventurous, and you are not afraid to speak your mind and I admire that; it takes courage. I, on the other hand refrain to say things that might hurt the other person, but lately, I have had more courage in me than I ever had. I feel that you have taught me something important. Why care what other people think about you, say about you, or the way they look at you. You must defend yourself—and that is something I need to start doing. 

You live two hours away from me, but this is only temporarily. I am in a different city due to school, and we started talking when I moved here. It has been 6 months already… And we have not even spent 30 days together. But each and every time we spend time together, it feels amazing. When I fall asleep in your arms I get this incredible feeling I cannot even grasp it myself. I feel safe, and never want to leave. When you kiss my forehead randomly, or kiss my cheeks I feel like a little girl. Last time I was in your arms and holding onto you as tightly as I can, you said jokingly, “tu m’aime! Tu est en amour avec moi bebe.” Which is French for “you love me! You’re in love with me baby.” And I disagreed and said no and hid my face in your arm… If only you saw my expression at that moment. I got butterflies inside of me and asked myself, “do you feel what I am feeling?” I wish I could know, you are a closed book. You told me how much you wanted me and how badly you want me to be your girlfriend and I kept refusing. When I finally trusted you and wanted to be with you as well, a month later you removed the title and went back to us being friends. And since then, I feel that it has not been the same between us. You are still sweet to me, but we do not talk as much, we never Skype anymore, and you sometimes have these moments of saying some real awful things to me. I mostly never say anything, but sometimes I will, and your response is always that it is a joke or, you did not mean it the way I took it.

After what I have dealt with in the past, I feel that I deserve someone as good as me. When I am with a man, I give him my all and make him feel adored. I never make him feel inadequate or silly, or not good enough. But, will I ever find someone “good enough”? I feel that I never get what I give in return. I get stepped on and taken advantage of. 

You always tell me how good I am to you, and I make you so happy… That I am so comfortable when you hold me or fall asleep beside me. You tell me that you love my love, and that I am amazing. However, I do not feel that way from you. You do not give me what I give you. I sometimes ask myself what I am doing here. My friends tell me that I deserve better, but I cannot get enough of that feeling I feel when I am with you. However, I have only asked for efforts, and I get none from you. Is it impossible for you to do sweet things for me like I do for you?

I sent you a big box filled with chocolates, tissue paper and a card with a bow for Valentine's day. I was so excited, I wrapped it super nicely and I could just imagine your face when you open it in awe. You sent me nothing for Valentine's day, but that is not the problem. I came to see you the week after, and you still did not pick up the package from the post office. The way I was talking about it, it was simple to see I was upset. I was more hurt than mad because I did mention the package after a few days, I was afraid you did not receive it. I still do not understand why you did not pick it up when you had the chance to, instead of staying in your lonely apartment on your couch smoking weed and watching movies. You make no efforts, and it hurts me because I make efforts for you. When I went home last week we saw each other twice, only because you never asked to see me. I feel like I have to chase you, and there is no way that I will be doing that. You might not see me for the next whole month, and you made no effort what so ever to spend some time with me on my spring break. That shows me exactly the kind of man you are, but yet, I still want to be with you. What is wrong with me? Why do I always fall for guys like you? 

You have told me we are like The Beauty and the Beast; I am the beautiful girl and you are the beast. If that is how you feel about me, then why not make efforts to keep me? When we are together, it feels good, we match. But when we are away from each other, I feel that you forget about me, you forget the feeling that you feel when we are holding each other.

Baby… I know it is difficult this long distance between us, but it can be defeatable. We are only two hours away and I come back home every once in a while… I just wish you would come see me, just once. I would love to see some sort of effort being made on your end. I want to feel the fairy tale love, I want to feel adored. I want to be the girl you would do anything for, and all you want to do is make me happy. I have always wanted to feel that love, and somehow, deep inside, I think you cannot give that to me.

Some effort

AFTER 4 months of us being apart, I received a call. It was written 'private' on my cell phone, and I usually do not answer blocked numbers. However, for some reason, this time I decided to answer.

“Hello?” “Hi A, do you know who this is?” For a split second I was in shock, I was not sure, it could not be him. “No, who is this?” “It’s R… How have you been? I have missed you…” It was him… I have missed hearing that voice on the other side of the telephone. What a bad time to reach me. I was at my friend’s house, and we were getting ready to go out. To clear my mind, to do something with myself. I left my friends, and went into her bedroom for some privacy. We spoke for a good thirty minutes—at least. You told me about your heart surgery, how it went, how you felt. How your sweet mother worried, how I would have worried if I had known. I resented you for not letting me in. You told me you left me because you needed to be alone for the time being. I resented you because I wanted to be there for you, and care for you in your time of need. How does that even make sense? Leaving someone because you want to be alone during a life-threating surgery? I knew about your condition, and I was ready to fight it with you. I would have visited you at the hospital with love and kisses. Hold your hand and spend hours on end with you. How did you see it in your head? Instead, you were alone. You apologized (kind of) and said that you miss me. Your sweet words always make everything go away, it is incredible that power that you have on me. 

You told me the current situation you were in, and I felt strange about it. You had a fiancee, but at the same time, you did not have one; it was complicated. We soon got off the phone and I was in shock. What was I supposed to say to that? What was the proper way to react? Your parents were forcing a marriage on you, but you refused to cooperate due to your feelings for me. That was the point of your phone call; to get that off your chest. It kills me that I cannot remember what had happened after this phone call. All I remember was one night I was laying on my bed and talking to you on the phone. You were asking me if I still thought about you, if I missed you. I refused to answer; I was still upset for you leaving me. And then you asked me “do you still love me?” and I did not answer that either. And then you said it… “A, I need to know. I need to know because I still think about you, and I want to be with you. Do you still love me? (it doesn’t matter if I do I would say) Yes it does matter, because I still love you.” My heart beated faster than I can describe… To hear you say those words to me after so long, it was another feeling. You don’t understand; I wanted to tell you at that moment how much I long for you, how much I adore you. I held myself back; my pride over took my heart. I wanted to run back to you, at that exact moment. But, I could not give in to you that easily, I thought that you must work for it, make an effort. I wanted you to prove to me that you will not run away again once the days become tough, and that you will be there during my days of need. But not only that, I wanted to feel that extraordinary love that a man feels for his woman, which makes him go to unlimited lengths for her. I wanted to be swept off of my feet, and feel your love inside me. I want to feel that fairy tale love, and not be able to breathe properly. Where were you to do that for me? You were my prince, but you never treated me like your princess. 

So, believe it or not sweetheart… If you had just made a little effort, you would have had me at the blink of an eye. That was all that I wanted, and I had mentioned to you to make an effort if you really want me. What was your response? “Come over, I’ll show you.” You never made the effort to come to me. Sweet-heart, habibi, my love, where were you? 

All I asked for was some kind of effort…

Memories

I was 18 and starting college for the first time. It was late summer and the air felt fresh, felt new. I met you for the first time at my friend’s apartment. When you walked in, you took me by surprise; you took my breath away. As usual, a suit and tie, and fancy black shoes. Your hair was gelled back, and you had on a perfect beard. I had to look away; I felt timid, I felt little. Not only were you 5 years above mine, but your life was so advanced compared to mine. Here I was, first year in college, and there you were; PhD in the making. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. You walked in full of confidence, full of je ne sais quoi. You introduced yourself to me “Hi A, I’m R” and immediately sat on the chair next to the window to smoke a cigarette. Our night ended once we were done chatting in the park, and we parted ways. However… Little did I know…


It soon became a ritual. Every Saturday we would both go to our friend’s apartment to hang out, chat, and play some games. The only reason why I constantly went to her house was due to your presence, and I was the reason for you going as well. We became an item quickly once we knew each other; we were a great duo. Each and every single time our lips touched one another, it felt like fireworks. There was passion, I could not mistake it for anything else. This was it. This was it.


We were soon inseparable.
I did anything for you. I understood your lifestyle, and fit mine into yours. I felt like it was something good. I know you felt the same way. You always told me how beautiful I was, and you would call me your sweetheart. The way you said it, with your accent, it sounded like “hi sweet heart”, you never sounded them together. You were irresistible to me, you were exactly everything I wanted in a man. And I always reminded you of that fact. 


But the end came near, and it took me by surprise. We were together for 6 months - it felt longer, it should have been longer. It didn’t stop you from coming back to me for the next two years.
What if? 
What if I came back too? How would things be today? I can only imagine, and each time I do, I see myself staring at my phone thinking about what to message you.

A broken heart can mend

SO this is it. This is how it feels to not think about you. To be quite frank, I am in love with this moment. I am in love with the moment that I never think about you, you never crawl into my mind. And, this is all thanks to you. I was right about you from the beginning. You never change; you constantly keep coming back to me expecting me to fall to my knees. And, you are right; I always fall to my knees for you. But not this time, the only thing you will see is my back, me walking away from you. 


I realized something I should have realized two years ago. You are no longer the man you used to be with me, and I am no longer the woman I used to be. We have changed, I mean, it has been two years. You keep bringing me back into your web, which makes it more difficult to walk away each and every time. But this time, I have realized something that I always failed to realize. I realized that I do not need to deal with all this. I am not the type of girl that will let you walk all over me and get what you want out of me. I will no longer be there for you, be your rock. I will no longer answer that phone call, nor your sweet text messages. I will not come see you when your time of need arrives. Because quite frankly, you were never there during my times of need. 


I never thought this day would arrive. To be frank, I always thought we would have ended up being together and getting married. I would be wearing a very expensive Vera Wang dress, and you would be wearing an incredibly sexy Hugo Boss suit. We would have such an extravagant wedding; the kind every little girl wishes for. We would then follow to the best 5 star hotel on the island of Montreal and make love for the first time as husband and wife. Bringing this image back into my head makes me rush for my phone and message you. Makes me run to the car and head straight to your bed. But I will stay strong this time. I will always love you, dear lover, but it no longer is the kind of love that I used to feel. It no longer is that powerful love that could destroy a city. I miss it, but I regret the day I met you. I had a broken heart for two years because of you. I messed up future possible lovers for your sake, thinking that you would come back. I have left men for you, I have even thrown men away for you. And whenever something happens with someone, I immediately compare them to you... And you always rank on top. However, I must stay strong. I must remember those horrible things you seldom said to me. I have to make them more occurring to make me forget the good memories. Forget our times together, our kisses, our love, us.


It has been two years since we have been together. During these past two years, I have wondered, and I have thought crazy scenarios in my head. I have dreamt of us two being together again. It even came very close to happening. How much I would love that right now. However, you being yourself, and I being myself... It will never work. We have put too much hard work into it to let it revive itself. It died, long ago and no matter how hard we try to make it work and live again; it will never live up to our expectations. It will wither away and die quicker than we can see it happen.


So, say goodbye.


 Goodbye, old lover.