No regrets,

Walk away,

I do not understand what happened. We got so close, so fast and it was amazing. You told me how amazing it felt to be with me and that you would never let me go. You also said that you would never disappear and that you will always be there with, or for me. I was starting to fall for you, and I thought  you were too. My friends said we looked in love and happy, and they were right, I was always happy when I was around you. You were nice and caring to me, and held me tight when I had a headache. I always knew that I could count on you, I never thought badly of you and I could not wait until the next time I would come and see you.

But it soon all changed, and it changed quite quickly. We stopped skyping, and barely spoke to each other on Facebook. You rarely texted me, and called me about every two days. That was fine, I had school work and you were buried with work from your demanding job. I never asked to speak to you everyday, we live two hours apart; it’s bound to happen. I understand that the distance gets quite difficult at times, and maybe sometimes we need time apart from out computer screens, or mobile phones but I always knew that you were there. But I realized a change before it all happened. We stopped talking as much and I asked why and you simply stated, “why? Because I don’t pay attention to you anymore?” Just as cold as it sounds. I was not sure what to say, I did not want to seem like a crazy fool. The problem was not that you were not paying attention to me, the problem was that when we did speak–every two days, you were cold with me. That was the problem. But, I let that go.

Until that two-day gap turned into a week. I called you a few times during that week, and it rang for a minute and brought me to your voicemail. I texted you once, and when I messaged you on Facebook, you went offline. A week later you call me. “Hi stranger,” you said nonchalantly. I acted as cool as ice, never breaking it. I never once acted as if I were hurt, or angry with you. I made it seem as if I did not care; just like you did, I told you about the good grades I have been getting lately and you replied with, “I guess I should stop talking to you more often.” Which irritated the fuck out of me—as if it is because that you have not been speaking to me that my grades are high; foda-se. The only question that I asked you was why you have been avoiding me. You told me that you were not avoiding me, that your cell phone was dead, “again” since you left your plug at work, “again” (as if the only way to get into contact with me was through a cell phone). I let that one go, there is no point in fighting about something that I have lost. I lost you. You ended the conversation because you wanted to go eat and that you will speak to me later. “I’ll speak to you next week then,” I said. So far, that timing is correct. It has been 4 days.

I do still have feelings for you, and I still want to be with you. But, I do not want to be with you. After everything that I have told you, and after everything you have told me… You are disappearing on me, even though you told me you would never. You are letting me go, even though you told me you would never. You are losing touch with me, even though you said you would never. You are not there for me anymore, even though you said you would always. You do not care for me anymore, even though you said you would always.

I told you I will always care for you, but I will force myself to stop. I thought you would be there for me during this difficult journey in my life; but I will let go and walk alone.

Alone,

I have always wanted you to myself, since the day I met you. It started two years ago, and now things have taken an awful direct turn. For the better? For the worse? I am not entirely sure what exactly I should be feeling about this.

You came to visit me, and I thought to myself that this is the day everything will turn on my behalf. We were “just friends” and we were acting according to these guidelines as well. You told me that we would never work and you kept your distance as if you were afraid I would lean in for a kiss. But it never happened. You should know me by now that I would never initiate the first move, have you not learnt anything these past two years?

The next few days I felt proud, I thought to myself, “I am finally over him. Now that I know for sure that we will not be together, I can start doing things that I know 1. he will not approve of and 2. live my life without him in the picture.” (Although this has some false to it, I tattooed my arm a line from Hugo’s novel, full knowingly that his family would not approve.) I started looking at other men and not having a guilt in the back of my mind, and thinking of my future without you in it.

However, it all changed. Once I got you out of my mind, you came crawling back in. It is as if you are fully aware that the thought of you no longer haunts my sleep and I no longer long for your kisses. You texted me at 1am, a simple “are you awake?” and I responded right away. It is as if I cannot let an unanswered text go by, I need to respond right away. You asked me if I missed you, and while I took a deep breathe and thought about what my answer might lead to, I decided to be honest, and replied a simple “I do”. We started talking about it, about how I feel and how you feel and you broke down your wall for me. You told me that you have never gotten me out of your mind since we broke up, and how you always thought about telling me how you feel. You wanted me back, plain and simple no candy coding anything.

I did not say no, I did not refuse. I am still not sure about it all. It has been about four days since you told me that and we barely spoke since then. But, is it true how the old saying goes, “a person never changes”? I am afraid to give you my all and to ultimately repeat our past. My feelings for you will never die and wither away, they will forever hold a place in my heart. However, I am not sure if we can have a normal relationship without the factors that lead us here. The countless times you have mentioned that I never appreciated you and took you for granted, and the countless times I thought to myself that you were an asshole who did not open up his eyes to life. Could we possibly make it work? Would we possibly make it work again despite our issues? I am still not sure.

Lately, I have been feeling more alone than ever. Being in a city with no friends, and having no one to talk to, I guess it really takes a tole on someone. Maybe I am running to you for the simple fact that I am alone and need some sort of affection. How can we be together if you are there and I am here? What if I must stay here for two more years, that makes two years of separation.

If only things could be easy, if only we have tried to properly make it work when I was still living at home. I miss you, I do. I miss your touch and I miss your laughter and I miss your accent. I miss the way you say “what’s happening’ when no one is talking, and I also miss your random little giggles.

What is one to do? I miss you, and you miss me. Why must things be so complicated?

Never let go,

I want to hold onto you and never let go.

xx

Beating heart

I thought you were out of my mind, I thought I was free from you for good. But yesterday proved me wrong. You texted me yesterday morning saying you were in town. Last time we actually spoke and had a normal conversation was right after new years. Last time I saw you was in July; and the last time we were together was two years ago. Two years ago to be exact; you ended it in March, a few weeks after my birthday. You texted me saying you were in town due to governmental documents that needed to be signed for you to apply for University in Europe, and the middle east. I remember the moment when I saw you again. I was leaving class and you were texting me to hurry up, you were outside in the parking lot waiting for me. When I was outside walking to my car I saw you there, walking slowly towards me but simply staring in my direction. I was bitting my tongue to remove the silly grin on my face; I was so nervous that I thought I was going to lose my balance. I tried to keep my cool, I was looking at the ground, opening my cell phone, closing it and re opening it; anything but stare at you right back. When we were getting closer, I had no choice but to smile, I could no longer control it—you smiled right back at me. I said hi and kissed your cheek, and you asked what my silly grin was about. I was nervous; and you were able to detect it. I cannot even explain how I was acting, I kept moving around; I could not stay put. I had missed you so much, I did not realize until that exact moment that I still want to be with you and I will still destroy the sun for you.

I let you call me babe, and I let us be normal and not bring up the questions that I had in my mind for such a long time. I just wanted to enjoy this time with you. It was different though, this was the first time we were acting as friends and nothing more. You publicly called me your ex at the restaurant and I smiled without you knowing what I was thinking. You told me that I am your only ex-girlfriend that you still keep in contact with and you liked that. I stared at you through out the whole conversation, I never broke the eye contact and then you asked “why are you looking at me like that?” 

We spoke for an hour, it was nice. It felt so different between us, like we were two actual human beings with no past. You have no idea how badly I wanted to move your jacket, sit beside you and simply caress your cheek which had the beard I have always loved. I know that if I did that—you would kiss me. I think I may regret that moment.

When we left the restaurant, you had to drive me back to my car, which was still at my school. We spoke about all sorts of things. You mentioned that you wanted to get married sooner rather than later. You told me about this woman that was absolutely crazy about you. That she would make a perfect wife, because she herself is perfect; she is everything you could ever ask for in a woman. She has the same values as you, and also thinks the same way as you. However, you do not see yourself being with her, you do not see yourself making love to her or waking up beside her every morning. You also mentioned that you two lacked a spark, that you two do not have a spark like us. You also said that, “I know that if I tried to make it work—it just would not work. And I know that if I tried to make it work between us; it would work.” My heart skipped a beat. I should not be feeling this about you, I should not even be in the same car as you for what you have done. But, who cares? We only live once and I am able to forgive and forget for us to be together and be happy together. Waking up every morning next to you would be the biggest pleasure I can ever gain. Making love to you every night would be the climax of my days. I would love to be that woman that you turn to for affection, and I would gladly give it to you. You have been the only man I have been with that I thought I could marry, that this could be it. I sometimes still think that way today.

However, it all fell apart when I asked, “why not?” Your response was short and quick: “we already tried to make it work and it did not work.” It is called chances, however it would be me giving you a chance. Little do you know that if you simply proved to me you care for me and will not hurt me, and pull out some efforts that I will evidently come running back to you.

Sometimes I miss you so much that I pick up my phone, find your name but I cannot go through with telling you how I feel. I want to tell you how happy I can make you and how happy you can make me. I feel that you know this but you are holding yourself back. It is as if you are afraid of our relationship blowing up in our faces, but also afraid to make efforts for nothing. I know you have been hurt in the past; so have I. But we have the magic to heal each others hearts. I feel that in a way, this visit you made to come and see me was not only to see how I was doing; but also to see if there was anything left between us. And I know that you were proven wrong. While we were sitting waiting for our food and you were talking, I was silently sitting and staring at you. You felt the power I had, I saw it in your eyes. You mentioned it a few times asking me what was up, and what I was thinking about at that exact moment. Before parting ways, I asked to hug you. I said that I did not want you to feel stressed because of the current situation you were in and said I wanted to hug you. To tell you the truth, I cannot remember. It was so quick, as if we were afraid that if it would last any longer we would soon fall into the spell. When I pulled back I made sure to pull completely back into the car seat and said goodbye; instead of being a little too close and easy for us to kiss each other. I wish you kissed me… I long for your lips, I long for your touch.

Sweet-heart… You still make my heart skip beats.

Drizzle and hurricane;