Alone,

I have always wanted you to myself, since the day I met you. It started two years ago, and now things have taken an awful direct turn. For the better? For the worse? I am not entirely sure what exactly I should be feeling about this.

You came to visit me, and I thought to myself that this is the day everything will turn on my behalf. We were “just friends” and we were acting according to these guidelines as well. You told me that we would never work and you kept your distance as if you were afraid I would lean in for a kiss. But it never happened. You should know me by now that I would never initiate the first move, have you not learnt anything these past two years?

The next few days I felt proud, I thought to myself, “I am finally over him. Now that I know for sure that we will not be together, I can start doing things that I know 1. he will not approve of and 2. live my life without him in the picture.” (Although this has some false to it, I tattooed my arm a line from Hugo’s novel, full knowingly that his family would not approve.) I started looking at other men and not having a guilt in the back of my mind, and thinking of my future without you in it.

However, it all changed. Once I got you out of my mind, you came crawling back in. It is as if you are fully aware that the thought of you no longer haunts my sleep and I no longer long for your kisses. You texted me at 1am, a simple “are you awake?” and I responded right away. It is as if I cannot let an unanswered text go by, I need to respond right away. You asked me if I missed you, and while I took a deep breathe and thought about what my answer might lead to, I decided to be honest, and replied a simple “I do”. We started talking about it, about how I feel and how you feel and you broke down your wall for me. You told me that you have never gotten me out of your mind since we broke up, and how you always thought about telling me how you feel. You wanted me back, plain and simple no candy coding anything.

I did not say no, I did not refuse. I am still not sure about it all. It has been about four days since you told me that and we barely spoke since then. But, is it true how the old saying goes, “a person never changes”? I am afraid to give you my all and to ultimately repeat our past. My feelings for you will never die and wither away, they will forever hold a place in my heart. However, I am not sure if we can have a normal relationship without the factors that lead us here. The countless times you have mentioned that I never appreciated you and took you for granted, and the countless times I thought to myself that you were an asshole who did not open up his eyes to life. Could we possibly make it work? Would we possibly make it work again despite our issues? I am still not sure.

Lately, I have been feeling more alone than ever. Being in a city with no friends, and having no one to talk to, I guess it really takes a tole on someone. Maybe I am running to you for the simple fact that I am alone and need some sort of affection. How can we be together if you are there and I am here? What if I must stay here for two more years, that makes two years of separation.

If only things could be easy, if only we have tried to properly make it work when I was still living at home. I miss you, I do. I miss your touch and I miss your laughter and I miss your accent. I miss the way you say “what’s happening’ when no one is talking, and I also miss your random little giggles.

What is one to do? I miss you, and you miss me. Why must things be so complicated?