A mask to hide behind

TODAY, I was at work. I was doing what I normally do, and I was enjoying myself. I was helping others, I was laughing, I kept myself busy. However, the moment it died down by a notch, and my co-workers disappeared I found myself thinking about you. How is it possible that I am still thinking about you? What have you done to me? I thought about how things could have been different if I agreed to try again the first time you called... Or the second, or the third. Maybe when I finally agreed to, you did not want me anymore. Why? I am constantly thinking about you, and how badly I want to feel you. I want to make you smile and make you feel adored. I cannot go through a single day without you in my mind. You stop me from studying, you stop me from working, you even stop me from doing simple tasks. I want to call you, but I'm afraid. I am hiding for the moment. Why are you not calling me? You must have called me every 4 months to tell me how much you miss me and that you have been thinking about me. I still remember that first phone call after we ended our relationship. "Hey Ms. A., do you know this is? ... I called you because I have been thinking about you. I want to see you tonight." I could recognize that voice with my ears shut.

Looking at our old photos is deathly. I feel the tears appear right away, there is never a time frame. I need to call you to clear things up, but I am afraid. I am afraid of how you may react to hearing my voice, or the things you may say. I want to yell at the top of my lungs "I love you!" but I simply cannot, there are too many issues blocking my way.

I said it. For the first time after two years.

Wings are for flying

DURING your days, do you ever feel so tired, ready to collapse and fall asleep? Do you feel restless the moment you slide into your bed? I feel that constantly. Every morning is a battle to get out of bed, regardless of how long I have slept for. And at night, I play a game with myself to see how long I can stay awake. For the fear of that silent moment when I close my eyes and lay on my pillow. The moment where I lay restless and think of you. Think of us, of what we could have been. It has been two years, but I still think about it. As much as I should hate you, and curse your name, I will never do such a thing. You are engraved in my heart, and it pains me to admit it.

You broke my heart. More than once, more than a person can endure by one person. I left relationships for you. I left school for you. I left my family for you. I left my friends for you; what more could I do? I agreed to keep the past in the past, not bring up the bad memories and the countless times you have fucked up. But yet, it still is not enough somehow. 

For the moment, I cannot stand the thought of being in your presence. I know that the next time I will see you I will beg for an explanation. I will push you if you come close to me, and cut you off before you can call me your sweetheart. I will accuse you of being a horrible person, and that I never want to hear from you. I will push you away and try to walk away. I will shout, and I will cry - I might even cat fight you. Most of all, I would fall to my knees the moment you lay eyes on me. I would fall so quickly that I would lose all control. Somehow you still possess that power over me.

If there is anything I would ask of you, it would not be for us to be together (although that would be a close second). It would be to leave my thoughts in peace, and let me walk away freely. Hand me the wings that have fallen off and let me fly away. I need to separate you from my thoughts.

I need to separate you from my mind. I need to separate the thought of you and I. I need to take these broken wings and learn to fly away.

Confession

I am still her

                                                        Hey you,

I know we have never really had a normal relationship, or have enough good memories to fill a book with. However, I will never deny the fact that we have formed it into something completely different. We have removed the day-to-day arguments we normally had to deal with, and replaced them with concern and kindness. Funny how all that happened. I can remember it as if it were yesterday. I was hard to deal with when I was younger, but it was simply because I was broken inside. High school was hell for me, and coming home to fighting, and no comfort zone was making it more difficult for me. I always felt that I was never good enough for you. I refused to do the things you asked of me only because I did not want to make you happy. I wanted the world to know what a horrible person you were to me, I wanted her to know as well. But, she never believed me. Never believed my words, my stories, or my tears. Even till this day, 6 years later, she still takes your side. I was always alone. I was alone as a child, and I am alone today. It is all right though, I have become accustomed to it. Since I have started listening to The Beatles, I have grown a huge obsession for them. And my love for their music will never fade, it will always be there in my heart. Since that day, it was the day you felt that we had something in common. Something to talk about. And since that day, we have had a good relationship. It has been a good 5 years, and I am very grateful for that moment. It gave me you, the sweet person I knew you were deep down inside. However, there are still days that arrive that you pull the old you back out onto display, and make me fear of his return. I am afraid of our relationship to take a complete 180 and return to how it used to be. Please, I beg of you... Do not let it go back to that. You are the only person in this world that can make me cry on the command of your finger tips. You bring me back to that place when I was 15, and I would cry in the corner of my room. Back to those days where physical pain was easier to handle than the pain you caused me, and the pain you were not aware of.

Father, please. I am still that little girl in that picture in our living room...

My sweet child,

It seems that, no matter how hard you try to avoid bullshit, bullshit finds a way to come your way. Now, I know you do not go looking for it - like a teenage girl who looks for drama. It just comes your way. Maybe, somehow, you have a radar, and it finds you. Have you ever had the feeling, deep down inside your mind that tells you to run away? Run away, change name, change city and start brand new? Yeah, so have I.

You may be young, however, your age does not define your mind. Your mind is the decision maker, the one in charge. But, sometimes, the heart decides to jump in. And, although it may have good intentions; it leads you in the wrong path. It does not know right from wrong - the good, the bad. It only knows love. And sometimes, as awful as it may sound, that love is bad. It is evil. It is unkind. It is not real; something you must get used to. No matter how many times you feel it coming back, the tug, the call that changes it all. It is not what you want, or what you need. He is not the one, he is not himself. Those endless phone calls of, "I love you, I need you. I know I messed up, but I want this to work; I want us to work"- is, bullshit. But you keep going back. Why? Why do you do this to yourself? For one last chance, that chance that might change it? Or the fear of being alone?

I know how you feel, that feeling you get when his name appears in your mind. The tears that automatically flow out of your beautiful eyes. The exhausted expression on your face, looking for answers. I've seen you walk down the same street, day in and day out. It's so clear to see, you're an open book. You walk as if you are walking into the unknown - and you are vicariously living through some one else; someone else but yourself. You are your own subject of this facade you are imagining. You are mimicking a person you wish you could be. You are at a constant battle with yourself, to change - for the worse. You wish you could be someone who stands up, and refuses to deal with others. You do not want to be considered a sweet girl, but a mean girl. Why? Is it because you let people take advantage of you, and you let people take what they want? You never really judge, and you never nag. You make it possible so that the other person has no troubles, no worries, no fears. But, baby, you are left with your own. You make their life so much easier to live, but yours so much more difficult to live with. You constantly build that wall higher, to the point where it is unreachable. You want to be unreachable, unapproachable. For you to avoid the possible anguish that may come your way. You push people away, block them out. You never allow second chances, for the fear of past experiences. The first time you granted a second chance, it fell apart quicker than you could ask yourself what happened. Sweet child, you show a tough exterior, make people believe you are a girl who simply does not seem to care. But, you do. Deep down, really deep down, you do care. And, it drives you insane thinking and caring about someone who just does not return the feeling. You have done everything possible to make yourself available, you constantly go out of your way to make that person feel loved, and cared for but the return was irrelevant. Anguish, pain, and broken hearts. Darling, you are a mystery yet to be solved. However, to me, you have been solved. And soon enough, a time will approach when someone of importance will solve the puzzle you have created of your life.

My sweet child, it is ok to cry. You are no less of a person because of those tears you seem to produce every night. A time will arrive, when your pillow will be able to go through two days without being cried on. You will finally be able to sleep in peace. That day will arrive before you have noticed it was missing. Do you worry about that simple fact? About being alone, and feeling this for the rest of your days? I grasp this situation, and I raise you love.

Forever there,

A

A to Z

Is this too much to ask for?

Love Letter

As exams are approaching, I feel myself becoming overwhelmed with the stress. It is my own fault. I have too much on my mind. I know I should be studying at the moment, however, my mind feels differently. Spiting 100 thoughts per minute, it gives me no time to study. As of now, there is a letter I must write...



Dear C,
I miss you terribly. Where are you? Do you know where I am? I want to run back to you and make everything go back to how it used to be. I know in your mind you feel as if there is nothing wrong. Or, better yet — you have done nothing wrong. But, yes, you are wrong. A person in your position must not act this way. What have I done to receive this cold shoulder of yours? You pop in to say hi, and then disappear longer than the last time. I am afraid of how I may act when I finally see you, almost 3 months later. Why have you let it come to this? Lack of effort. Lack of sincerity. Lack of life. Lack of love — lack of everything. However you may feel, I will always be there for you. I will always be that rock that you have not realized that I already am. I will be there when everybody else runs to their lives and leave you hanging. I will be there. You will never see my back.


Love Always, 
A

Que sera, sera.

“Even the darkest night will end, and the sun will rise.”

Wise words once spoken by the one and only Victor Hugo. Every time I look at my arm to see those engraved words, I inevitably smile. 

It has been a month and a half since I have moved to Ottawa to pursue my studies. And despite my dreams slowly becoming more real each day, I can not help but wonder about things in my life that seem to be inevitable. The things, or should I say- the people I have lost coming here. However, if there is one thing I have learned from past experiences, or something that I should take note of (like write it on a post-it and stamp it onto my mirror) is that no matter what happens, I must do what is right for me. Moving was the right thing for me. If I lose people because of this simple, non life ending circumstance, well then, I should say: Goodbye.

Que sera, sera.