A mask to hide behind

TODAY, I was at work. I was doing what I normally do, and I was enjoying myself. I was helping others, I was laughing, I kept myself busy. However, the moment it died down by a notch, and my co-workers disappeared I found myself thinking about you. How is it possible that I am still thinking about you? What have you done to me? I thought about how things could have been different if I agreed to try again the first time you called... Or the second, or the third. Maybe when I finally agreed to, you did not want me anymore. Why? I am constantly thinking about you, and how badly I want to feel you. I want to make you smile and make you feel adored. I cannot go through a single day without you in my mind. You stop me from studying, you stop me from working, you even stop me from doing simple tasks. I want to call you, but I'm afraid. I am hiding for the moment. Why are you not calling me? You must have called me every 4 months to tell me how much you miss me and that you have been thinking about me. I still remember that first phone call after we ended our relationship. "Hey Ms. A., do you know this is? ... I called you because I have been thinking about you. I want to see you tonight." I could recognize that voice with my ears shut.

Looking at our old photos is deathly. I feel the tears appear right away, there is never a time frame. I need to call you to clear things up, but I am afraid. I am afraid of how you may react to hearing my voice, or the things you may say. I want to yell at the top of my lungs "I love you!" but I simply cannot, there are too many issues blocking my way.

I said it. For the first time after two years.