Why not?

WE have been “friends” for a few years, but only have started talking this past September. I always wanted to talk to you, to get to know you but I was way too shy. A man with your looks, how can you possibly be interested in me? But one day, I saw one of your new photos on Facebook and decided to “like” it, why? Only because you had an extremely nice beard, which is what I find sexiest on a man. That same day, you started talking to me. I guess you can say we hit it off right away. I learnt you like to write (like me), and that you like to read (also like me). You are adventurous, and you are not afraid to speak your mind and I admire that; it takes courage. I, on the other hand refrain to say things that might hurt the other person, but lately, I have had more courage in me than I ever had. I feel that you have taught me something important. Why care what other people think about you, say about you, or the way they look at you. You must defend yourself—and that is something I need to start doing. 

You live two hours away from me, but this is only temporarily. I am in a different city due to school, and we started talking when I moved here. It has been 6 months already… And we have not even spent 30 days together. But each and every time we spend time together, it feels amazing. When I fall asleep in your arms I get this incredible feeling I cannot even grasp it myself. I feel safe, and never want to leave. When you kiss my forehead randomly, or kiss my cheeks I feel like a little girl. Last time I was in your arms and holding onto you as tightly as I can, you said jokingly, “tu m’aime! Tu est en amour avec moi bebe.” Which is French for “you love me! You’re in love with me baby.” And I disagreed and said no and hid my face in your arm… If only you saw my expression at that moment. I got butterflies inside of me and asked myself, “do you feel what I am feeling?” I wish I could know, you are a closed book. You told me how much you wanted me and how badly you want me to be your girlfriend and I kept refusing. When I finally trusted you and wanted to be with you as well, a month later you removed the title and went back to us being friends. And since then, I feel that it has not been the same between us. You are still sweet to me, but we do not talk as much, we never Skype anymore, and you sometimes have these moments of saying some real awful things to me. I mostly never say anything, but sometimes I will, and your response is always that it is a joke or, you did not mean it the way I took it.

After what I have dealt with in the past, I feel that I deserve someone as good as me. When I am with a man, I give him my all and make him feel adored. I never make him feel inadequate or silly, or not good enough. But, will I ever find someone “good enough”? I feel that I never get what I give in return. I get stepped on and taken advantage of. 

You always tell me how good I am to you, and I make you so happy… That I am so comfortable when you hold me or fall asleep beside me. You tell me that you love my love, and that I am amazing. However, I do not feel that way from you. You do not give me what I give you. I sometimes ask myself what I am doing here. My friends tell me that I deserve better, but I cannot get enough of that feeling I feel when I am with you. However, I have only asked for efforts, and I get none from you. Is it impossible for you to do sweet things for me like I do for you?

I sent you a big box filled with chocolates, tissue paper and a card with a bow for Valentine's day. I was so excited, I wrapped it super nicely and I could just imagine your face when you open it in awe. You sent me nothing for Valentine's day, but that is not the problem. I came to see you the week after, and you still did not pick up the package from the post office. The way I was talking about it, it was simple to see I was upset. I was more hurt than mad because I did mention the package after a few days, I was afraid you did not receive it. I still do not understand why you did not pick it up when you had the chance to, instead of staying in your lonely apartment on your couch smoking weed and watching movies. You make no efforts, and it hurts me because I make efforts for you. When I went home last week we saw each other twice, only because you never asked to see me. I feel like I have to chase you, and there is no way that I will be doing that. You might not see me for the next whole month, and you made no effort what so ever to spend some time with me on my spring break. That shows me exactly the kind of man you are, but yet, I still want to be with you. What is wrong with me? Why do I always fall for guys like you? 

You have told me we are like The Beauty and the Beast; I am the beautiful girl and you are the beast. If that is how you feel about me, then why not make efforts to keep me? When we are together, it feels good, we match. But when we are away from each other, I feel that you forget about me, you forget the feeling that you feel when we are holding each other.

Baby… I know it is difficult this long distance between us, but it can be defeatable. We are only two hours away and I come back home every once in a while… I just wish you would come see me, just once. I would love to see some sort of effort being made on your end. I want to feel the fairy tale love, I want to feel adored. I want to be the girl you would do anything for, and all you want to do is make me happy. I have always wanted to feel that love, and somehow, deep inside, I think you cannot give that to me.

Some effort

AFTER 4 months of us being apart, I received a call. It was written 'private' on my cell phone, and I usually do not answer blocked numbers. However, for some reason, this time I decided to answer.

“Hello?” “Hi A, do you know who this is?” For a split second I was in shock, I was not sure, it could not be him. “No, who is this?” “It’s R… How have you been? I have missed you…” It was him… I have missed hearing that voice on the other side of the telephone. What a bad time to reach me. I was at my friend’s house, and we were getting ready to go out. To clear my mind, to do something with myself. I left my friends, and went into her bedroom for some privacy. We spoke for a good thirty minutes—at least. You told me about your heart surgery, how it went, how you felt. How your sweet mother worried, how I would have worried if I had known. I resented you for not letting me in. You told me you left me because you needed to be alone for the time being. I resented you because I wanted to be there for you, and care for you in your time of need. How does that even make sense? Leaving someone because you want to be alone during a life-threating surgery? I knew about your condition, and I was ready to fight it with you. I would have visited you at the hospital with love and kisses. Hold your hand and spend hours on end with you. How did you see it in your head? Instead, you were alone. You apologized (kind of) and said that you miss me. Your sweet words always make everything go away, it is incredible that power that you have on me. 

You told me the current situation you were in, and I felt strange about it. You had a fiancee, but at the same time, you did not have one; it was complicated. We soon got off the phone and I was in shock. What was I supposed to say to that? What was the proper way to react? Your parents were forcing a marriage on you, but you refused to cooperate due to your feelings for me. That was the point of your phone call; to get that off your chest. It kills me that I cannot remember what had happened after this phone call. All I remember was one night I was laying on my bed and talking to you on the phone. You were asking me if I still thought about you, if I missed you. I refused to answer; I was still upset for you leaving me. And then you asked me “do you still love me?” and I did not answer that either. And then you said it… “A, I need to know. I need to know because I still think about you, and I want to be with you. Do you still love me? (it doesn’t matter if I do I would say) Yes it does matter, because I still love you.” My heart beated faster than I can describe… To hear you say those words to me after so long, it was another feeling. You don’t understand; I wanted to tell you at that moment how much I long for you, how much I adore you. I held myself back; my pride over took my heart. I wanted to run back to you, at that exact moment. But, I could not give in to you that easily, I thought that you must work for it, make an effort. I wanted you to prove to me that you will not run away again once the days become tough, and that you will be there during my days of need. But not only that, I wanted to feel that extraordinary love that a man feels for his woman, which makes him go to unlimited lengths for her. I wanted to be swept off of my feet, and feel your love inside me. I want to feel that fairy tale love, and not be able to breathe properly. Where were you to do that for me? You were my prince, but you never treated me like your princess. 

So, believe it or not sweetheart… If you had just made a little effort, you would have had me at the blink of an eye. That was all that I wanted, and I had mentioned to you to make an effort if you really want me. What was your response? “Come over, I’ll show you.” You never made the effort to come to me. Sweet-heart, habibi, my love, where were you? 

All I asked for was some kind of effort…

Memories

I was 18 and starting college for the first time. It was late summer and the air felt fresh, felt new. I met you for the first time at my friend’s apartment. When you walked in, you took me by surprise; you took my breath away. As usual, a suit and tie, and fancy black shoes. Your hair was gelled back, and you had on a perfect beard. I had to look away; I felt timid, I felt little. Not only were you 5 years above mine, but your life was so advanced compared to mine. Here I was, first year in college, and there you were; PhD in the making. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. You walked in full of confidence, full of je ne sais quoi. You introduced yourself to me “Hi A, I’m R” and immediately sat on the chair next to the window to smoke a cigarette. Our night ended once we were done chatting in the park, and we parted ways. However… Little did I know…


It soon became a ritual. Every Saturday we would both go to our friend’s apartment to hang out, chat, and play some games. The only reason why I constantly went to her house was due to your presence, and I was the reason for you going as well. We became an item quickly once we knew each other; we were a great duo. Each and every single time our lips touched one another, it felt like fireworks. There was passion, I could not mistake it for anything else. This was it. This was it.


We were soon inseparable.
I did anything for you. I understood your lifestyle, and fit mine into yours. I felt like it was something good. I know you felt the same way. You always told me how beautiful I was, and you would call me your sweetheart. The way you said it, with your accent, it sounded like “hi sweet heart”, you never sounded them together. You were irresistible to me, you were exactly everything I wanted in a man. And I always reminded you of that fact. 


But the end came near, and it took me by surprise. We were together for 6 months - it felt longer, it should have been longer. It didn’t stop you from coming back to me for the next two years.
What if? 
What if I came back too? How would things be today? I can only imagine, and each time I do, I see myself staring at my phone thinking about what to message you.

A broken heart can mend

SO this is it. This is how it feels to not think about you. To be quite frank, I am in love with this moment. I am in love with the moment that I never think about you, you never crawl into my mind. And, this is all thanks to you. I was right about you from the beginning. You never change; you constantly keep coming back to me expecting me to fall to my knees. And, you are right; I always fall to my knees for you. But not this time, the only thing you will see is my back, me walking away from you. 


I realized something I should have realized two years ago. You are no longer the man you used to be with me, and I am no longer the woman I used to be. We have changed, I mean, it has been two years. You keep bringing me back into your web, which makes it more difficult to walk away each and every time. But this time, I have realized something that I always failed to realize. I realized that I do not need to deal with all this. I am not the type of girl that will let you walk all over me and get what you want out of me. I will no longer be there for you, be your rock. I will no longer answer that phone call, nor your sweet text messages. I will not come see you when your time of need arrives. Because quite frankly, you were never there during my times of need. 


I never thought this day would arrive. To be frank, I always thought we would have ended up being together and getting married. I would be wearing a very expensive Vera Wang dress, and you would be wearing an incredibly sexy Hugo Boss suit. We would have such an extravagant wedding; the kind every little girl wishes for. We would then follow to the best 5 star hotel on the island of Montreal and make love for the first time as husband and wife. Bringing this image back into my head makes me rush for my phone and message you. Makes me run to the car and head straight to your bed. But I will stay strong this time. I will always love you, dear lover, but it no longer is the kind of love that I used to feel. It no longer is that powerful love that could destroy a city. I miss it, but I regret the day I met you. I had a broken heart for two years because of you. I messed up future possible lovers for your sake, thinking that you would come back. I have left men for you, I have even thrown men away for you. And whenever something happens with someone, I immediately compare them to you... And you always rank on top. However, I must stay strong. I must remember those horrible things you seldom said to me. I have to make them more occurring to make me forget the good memories. Forget our times together, our kisses, our love, us.


It has been two years since we have been together. During these past two years, I have wondered, and I have thought crazy scenarios in my head. I have dreamt of us two being together again. It even came very close to happening. How much I would love that right now. However, you being yourself, and I being myself... It will never work. We have put too much hard work into it to let it revive itself. It died, long ago and no matter how hard we try to make it work and live again; it will never live up to our expectations. It will wither away and die quicker than we can see it happen.


So, say goodbye.


 Goodbye, old lover.