Why not?

WE have been “friends” for a few years, but only have started talking this past September. I always wanted to talk to you, to get to know you but I was way too shy. A man with your looks, how can you possibly be interested in me? But one day, I saw one of your new photos on Facebook and decided to “like” it, why? Only because you had an extremely nice beard, which is what I find sexiest on a man. That same day, you started talking to me. I guess you can say we hit it off right away. I learnt you like to write (like me), and that you like to read (also like me). You are adventurous, and you are not afraid to speak your mind and I admire that; it takes courage. I, on the other hand refrain to say things that might hurt the other person, but lately, I have had more courage in me than I ever had. I feel that you have taught me something important. Why care what other people think about you, say about you, or the way they look at you. You must defend yourself—and that is something I need to start doing. 

You live two hours away from me, but this is only temporarily. I am in a different city due to school, and we started talking when I moved here. It has been 6 months already… And we have not even spent 30 days together. But each and every time we spend time together, it feels amazing. When I fall asleep in your arms I get this incredible feeling I cannot even grasp it myself. I feel safe, and never want to leave. When you kiss my forehead randomly, or kiss my cheeks I feel like a little girl. Last time I was in your arms and holding onto you as tightly as I can, you said jokingly, “tu m’aime! Tu est en amour avec moi bebe.” Which is French for “you love me! You’re in love with me baby.” And I disagreed and said no and hid my face in your arm… If only you saw my expression at that moment. I got butterflies inside of me and asked myself, “do you feel what I am feeling?” I wish I could know, you are a closed book. You told me how much you wanted me and how badly you want me to be your girlfriend and I kept refusing. When I finally trusted you and wanted to be with you as well, a month later you removed the title and went back to us being friends. And since then, I feel that it has not been the same between us. You are still sweet to me, but we do not talk as much, we never Skype anymore, and you sometimes have these moments of saying some real awful things to me. I mostly never say anything, but sometimes I will, and your response is always that it is a joke or, you did not mean it the way I took it.

After what I have dealt with in the past, I feel that I deserve someone as good as me. When I am with a man, I give him my all and make him feel adored. I never make him feel inadequate or silly, or not good enough. But, will I ever find someone “good enough”? I feel that I never get what I give in return. I get stepped on and taken advantage of. 

You always tell me how good I am to you, and I make you so happy… That I am so comfortable when you hold me or fall asleep beside me. You tell me that you love my love, and that I am amazing. However, I do not feel that way from you. You do not give me what I give you. I sometimes ask myself what I am doing here. My friends tell me that I deserve better, but I cannot get enough of that feeling I feel when I am with you. However, I have only asked for efforts, and I get none from you. Is it impossible for you to do sweet things for me like I do for you?

I sent you a big box filled with chocolates, tissue paper and a card with a bow for Valentine's day. I was so excited, I wrapped it super nicely and I could just imagine your face when you open it in awe. You sent me nothing for Valentine's day, but that is not the problem. I came to see you the week after, and you still did not pick up the package from the post office. The way I was talking about it, it was simple to see I was upset. I was more hurt than mad because I did mention the package after a few days, I was afraid you did not receive it. I still do not understand why you did not pick it up when you had the chance to, instead of staying in your lonely apartment on your couch smoking weed and watching movies. You make no efforts, and it hurts me because I make efforts for you. When I went home last week we saw each other twice, only because you never asked to see me. I feel like I have to chase you, and there is no way that I will be doing that. You might not see me for the next whole month, and you made no effort what so ever to spend some time with me on my spring break. That shows me exactly the kind of man you are, but yet, I still want to be with you. What is wrong with me? Why do I always fall for guys like you? 

You have told me we are like The Beauty and the Beast; I am the beautiful girl and you are the beast. If that is how you feel about me, then why not make efforts to keep me? When we are together, it feels good, we match. But when we are away from each other, I feel that you forget about me, you forget the feeling that you feel when we are holding each other.

Baby… I know it is difficult this long distance between us, but it can be defeatable. We are only two hours away and I come back home every once in a while… I just wish you would come see me, just once. I would love to see some sort of effort being made on your end. I want to feel the fairy tale love, I want to feel adored. I want to be the girl you would do anything for, and all you want to do is make me happy. I have always wanted to feel that love, and somehow, deep inside, I think you cannot give that to me.