I am here, and you are there. There is roughly 200km separating us, and now, we have become separated. It has all shattered right beneath my eyes, and right in front of yours—you brought it to this outcome, this is nothing but your fault. It is quite easy to blame you when you are the cause for this pain, have you not told me that you would never, ever hurt me, or break my heart? I guess you went back on your word.
We slowly stopped talking, and I was slowly convincing myself that you did not deserve me, and that I could get so much better. That I deserve to have a man that would do anything for me, and one who would always want to talk to me and see how I was doing—that man was not you. We spoke, after 2 weeks of not speaking, of course unless you count a phone call of 30 seconds. I had texted you to call me once you gain a few free minutes because I had spoken to my father and he really got me upset, I wanted to talk to you to feel better. You did call me back, I congratulate you on that. However, it lasted 30 seconds and you told me you were so busy at work that you apologize that it took so long to call and that you will call me later. You did not ask how I was doing, you did not ask why I was upset. You did not even acknowledge the fact that we have not spoken in a week, you spoke about yourself and hung up quickly. Of course, you did not call me back, I have not heard your voice since then, it has been two weeks now. Regardless of the coward you are, we spoke a week after that phone call—one week ago. We spoke on a stupid insignificant social website, you had no courage to call me. You asked how I was doing, how my grades were. You then asked me if I had a new man… As if I had a new man, I still thought you were my man. I was aware of our longing distance but I still kept you close to my heart in hopes for the moment when I return home and you were there waiting for me. I re asked your question and you replied with “meh”. It astonishes me the lack of courage you have. You then said you did see a girl, but not a girlfriend. I was trying to write my final paper during this moment and I could no longer concentrate, I had tears falling down my face which made me hold in my nerve to go outside and smoke my whole pack of cigarettes. I could not believe what I was hearing. I called you a coward, and mentioned that what you were doing was unbelievable. You had promised me that if you were to ever meet a girl, you would tell me but “don’t worry sweetie, it won’t happen”. I believed you and I was never waiting for that moment, I was giving you the benefit of the doubt.
But, while we were not talking for weeks, you were out there with another girl. I did not call you because I thought you were always working and I wanted to give you time to breathe—you mentioned you were working 10–12 hour days. But, silly little me, you were with another girl while I was in a brand new city completely alone and feeling like I could not speak to anyone.
Sometimes I miss you so much and I look at our old photos and think to myself "what could I have done differently?” I need to remind myself of what a coward you are and how ungrateful you were with me. You mentioned to me that I am an amazing, very smart woman and the man I choose to be with is an extremely lucky man. (Why can’t that man be you? Oh S, I long for you)
But I will always remember you and pair you with that unbelievable feeling I had. That feeling of betrayal and hurt. I honestly thought you were different, but yet again, I was wrong. I try so hard to remember only the bad moments with you but I cannot. I remember that night I had a massive headache and you held me so close to you and simply rubbed my head and back. I remember the first night I slept in your bed and how close you held me, I was listening to your heart beating. I remember the night when you felt sick after ordering your so called “best fast food place”. I remember the last moment I spent with you. I was leaving to go back to my new city and I was holding onto you so tightly as if I were afraid to let go, you told me that I was in love with you, and I simply shrugged it off. But I thought to myself, “could he be right?” I was putting on my winter jacket and my boots and you stood at the door, you gave me a huge hug which filled me with love for the whole 2 hour ride. I remember reaching the bottom of the stairs and looking up behind me to see your lovely face once more—and then I was gone.
And now, you are gone.
