I thought you were out of my mind, I thought I was free from you for good. But yesterday proved me wrong. You texted me yesterday morning saying you were in town. Last time we actually spoke and had a normal conversation was right after new years. Last time I saw you was in July; and the last time we were together was two years ago. Two years ago to be exact; you ended it in March, a few weeks after my birthday. You texted me saying you were in town due to governmental documents that needed to be signed for you to apply for University in Europe, and the middle east. I remember the moment when I saw you again. I was leaving class and you were texting me to hurry up, you were outside in the parking lot waiting for me. When I was outside walking to my car I saw you there, walking slowly towards me but simply staring in my direction. I was bitting my tongue to remove the silly grin on my face; I was so nervous that I thought I was going to lose my balance. I tried to keep my cool, I was looking at the ground, opening my cell phone, closing it and re opening it; anything but stare at you right back. When we were getting closer, I had no choice but to smile, I could no longer control it—you smiled right back at me. I said hi and kissed your cheek, and you asked what my silly grin was about. I was nervous; and you were able to detect it. I cannot even explain how I was acting, I kept moving around; I could not stay put. I had missed you so much, I did not realize until that exact moment that I still want to be with you and I will still destroy the sun for you.
I let you call me babe, and I let us be normal and not bring up the questions that I had in my mind for such a long time. I just wanted to enjoy this time with you. It was different though, this was the first time we were acting as friends and nothing more. You publicly called me your ex at the restaurant and I smiled without you knowing what I was thinking. You told me that I am your only ex-girlfriend that you still keep in contact with and you liked that. I stared at you through out the whole conversation, I never broke the eye contact and then you asked “why are you looking at me like that?”
We spoke for an hour, it was nice. It felt so different between us, like we were two actual human beings with no past. You have no idea how badly I wanted to move your jacket, sit beside you and simply caress your cheek which had the beard I have always loved. I know that if I did that—you would kiss me. I think I may regret that moment.
When we left the restaurant, you had to drive me back to my car, which was still at my school. We spoke about all sorts of things. You mentioned that you wanted to get married sooner rather than later. You told me about this woman that was absolutely crazy about you. That she would make a perfect wife, because she herself is perfect; she is everything you could ever ask for in a woman. She has the same values as you, and also thinks the same way as you. However, you do not see yourself being with her, you do not see yourself making love to her or waking up beside her every morning. You also mentioned that you two lacked a spark, that you two do not have a spark like us. You also said that, “I know that if I tried to make it work—it just would not work. And I know that if I tried to make it work between us; it would work.” My heart skipped a beat. I should not be feeling this about you, I should not even be in the same car as you for what you have done. But, who cares? We only live once and I am able to forgive and forget for us to be together and be happy together. Waking up every morning next to you would be the biggest pleasure I can ever gain. Making love to you every night would be the climax of my days. I would love to be that woman that you turn to for affection, and I would gladly give it to you. You have been the only man I have been with that I thought I could marry, that this could be it. I sometimes still think that way today.
However, it all fell apart when I asked, “why not?” Your response was short and quick: “we already tried to make it work and it did not work.” It is called chances, however it would be me giving you a chance. Little do you know that if you simply proved to me you care for me and will not hurt me, and pull out some efforts that I will evidently come running back to you.
Sometimes I miss you so much that I pick up my phone, find your name but I cannot go through with telling you how I feel. I want to tell you how happy I can make you and how happy you can make me. I feel that you know this but you are holding yourself back. It is as if you are afraid of our relationship blowing up in our faces, but also afraid to make efforts for nothing. I know you have been hurt in the past; so have I. But we have the magic to heal each others hearts. I feel that in a way, this visit you made to come and see me was not only to see how I was doing; but also to see if there was anything left between us. And I know that you were proven wrong. While we were sitting waiting for our food and you were talking, I was silently sitting and staring at you. You felt the power I had, I saw it in your eyes. You mentioned it a few times asking me what was up, and what I was thinking about at that exact moment. Before parting ways, I asked to hug you. I said that I did not want you to feel stressed because of the current situation you were in and said I wanted to hug you. To tell you the truth, I cannot remember. It was so quick, as if we were afraid that if it would last any longer we would soon fall into the spell. When I pulled back I made sure to pull completely back into the car seat and said goodbye; instead of being a little too close and easy for us to kiss each other. I wish you kissed me… I long for your lips, I long for your touch.
Sweet-heart… You still make my heart skip beats.
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