Missing,

YOU ARE my best friend; my sister. I think of you as my blood, a part of my family that has been lost but recently found. We have spent so many good days together, and not too many bad ones. You know that you can always count on me when you need something, or simply wanted to get something off of your chest. I come to you in your hour of need. I always comfort you when you are down, or stressed because of crazy issues going on. I had to put up with crazy demands and requests from you—but I did them all with pleasure because I would do anything for you. I would stop the moon from shinning to make you realize how important you are to me. When I see you, I smile. And even though we may spend months at a time without seeing each other, every time we are reunited it feels as if I have never been gone—we simply continue from where we left off. It has been over a year that I have moved to a different city; a different province. I am only 2 hours away, but sometimes I feel like that interferes with our friendship. Things happen that you are not aware of, mainly for my fear of opening up. You have acknowledged that, but I do not feel that you care entirely. When I need help, I am unsure whether or not to contact you. I know you will be too busy, or simply not respond to my text messages. I just wish you could open your eyes and see how alone I am here. I need you. I need my best friend. 

Just remember, S, that you may feel alone, but you are surrounded by the people you love and whom love you back. That includes me. But the list is missing you on the other end.

xx

The end,

xx

Afraid,

I AM afraid. I will admit it. I am afraid of the fact that you can get up and walk away any moment you feel that this is more difficult than it should be. I am starting to get used to you in my life, and used to your many texts throughout the day. We have been friends for over a year, and now it has become something more. I am not asking you to be my boyfriend, because I am not ready for that. We have never spoken about what our relationship really is, and where you want it to lead. I will never bring that up mainly for the fact that I refuse to let you think of me as a pushy and clingy girl that I am not. But one thing that I will admit, is that I am afraid of you. I am afraid of us becoming more and having a chance of losing you. I am so used to seeing people walk away and I do not want you to be one of them. So, I will continue this relationship of the unknown, just to prevent from seeing you walk away.

xx

Always,

THIS was drawn by Peyton Sawyer (Hilarie Burton) on the T.V show "One Tree Hill." I first saw this years ago and I loved it, it meant more than a simple picture. But now, seeing it again after so many years, and so many experiences, it means even more. I relate more to Payton now, because I have felt what she felt. And I truly believe what is written on this photo. It speaks to me like never before. It shines a ray of light on me, it tells me something that no one has ever told me. It tells me that no matter what happens, regardless how long you have been fighting for, or how tight you have been gripping on, it is much easier to simply let go than to continue on fighting. 

When I think about the past 7 years, so much has happened. I have lost so many people in my life, they simply walk out and never to be seen again. It keeps happening to this day. Many of those people come back into my life and tell me how sweet I am, how much they regret what happened and that they want me back into their life. But, why must someone appreciate the other once they go missing? Why must someone realize what they have until they lose it? It’s funny how that works… 

xx

Forever,

xx

Take a look,

xx

People always leave,

SOMETIMES,  it gets so bad that I can hardly concentrate. I can hardly keep my mind focused on something for a certain amount of time, and lately, I lack the basic motivation to do what I love the most—to write. I never write. I never read. I barely have any friends in this city either. I have been here for almost a year and I do not try to make any new relationships. I actually push people away and force them to stop calling me. Why? Because I am not in the mood. I do not feel like going through that separation I always go through. I am tired of getting close to someone and then seeing them walk away slowly. I am tired of not having enough energy to walk after them. No matter how quickly I run after them, they still manage to walk quicker than I am running. The faster I run, the quicker they are getting away. So, I stay behind, and I let them walk right out of my life, with only their shadows in view.

I am tired of giving my all to someone and see them leave with it. I try hard to make people happy, and to give them what they need. I try hard to be there for people in their times of need. I go out of my way for them, and they all know that. However, when my time arrives when I need someone, where have they gone?

People enter your life just as quickly as they part from it. It’s inevitable. People do not notice what they leave behind, and the mess they have created—leaving that person behind to pick up the pieces and attempt to walk away.

I have become so accustomed to seeing people’s backs, that I have grown a completely different perspective on people. I no longer see the need to try and repair the friendship, or to fight for the other person—because eventually, that person will slowly turn around and walk away from my life for good. This constant need to try to fix everything and everyone has gone quite too far. I always put myself in the position of the helper, but I lack a helper for my needs. The few times I cried for help, I cried into wall. No one heard me. No one saw me. No one knew. No one tried to know either, and they just kept walking away as I stayed behind. The energy I waste by crying for help can easily be transferred to the process of repairing my own wounds.

I no longer fight. I no longer chase down the people I want in my life, nor the people I miss being in my life. I no longer expect things from people.

Do what you do best, and walk away. But darling, this time, you will see my back before I see yours.